Whatever Wednesday: "Desiderata" by Max Ehrman

"Desiderata" by Max Ehrman

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Movie Monday: Meet The Feebles

Ah yes, Sir Peter Jackson. Acclaimed director of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Famous for the remake of King Kong.  Producer of District 9. For all intents and purposes, a serious and respected filmmaker. But, unbeknownst to many, before he ascended to the granite pedestal of cinematic godhood that so man have placed him on, Mr. Jackson was the director of films like Meet the Feebles, a film that parodies the Muppets by turning them into horrible sexual deviants, drug addicts, criminals, and sometimes just plain out thugs.

Damn right it's better than yours.

I'm just going to say it. This movie isn't for everyone. If you can't handle the incredibly graphic and the incredibly crude then you probably shouldn't watch this movie. It really takes a lot from Jim Henson's Muppets and just turns it into a sick alternate version. I can't lie though with my dirty mind I absolutely loved this film. There's so many subplots and characters to follow that I was always entertained by the disgustingly humorous antics. The film climaxes with a spray of gunfire to song and dance number called "Sodomy" and let me tell you something, it is better than putting your prom dress on your tongue. (I heard that's really good)

I'm not giving any more away, go watch this movie NOW.

4 OUT OF 5 mistakenly snorted borax

Film Friday: The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (Special Request)

Being a fairly young man with no children or nephews or nieces, I'm not really sure what it would be like to be a father, but I imagine I'd have to watch a lot of movies of which I was probably not a part of their target audience.   The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert evoked a similar sensation of "there are jokes in this movie that you aren't getting and never will." Maybe it's because I'm not Australian. Maybe it's because I've never gone on a cross country road trip with my friends. Or maybe, maybe it's because I'm not a drag queen.

Pictured: "Fabulosity"

The plot of this movie surrounds the adventures of three cabaret performers, Hugo Weaving(Agent Smith), Terrence Stamp (The Transexual), and Guy Pearce (Sassy Gay Friend) as they head out across the Australian outback to perform in the middle of Australia for Agent Smith's ex-wife's resort. The three main characters all bring something worth watching to the movie. Agent Smith brings the tears and emotions with his attempts to look manly and macho in front of his son who he hasn't seen in 8 years.  The Transexual brings the bad-ass by just being well...bad-ass. She pretty much kicks some big brawny dude's ass just as he's about to kick the crap out of Sassy Gay Friend.   And Sassy Gay Friend is basically there to do what all Sassy Gay Friends do, be loud, be funny, and be quirky. He has his heartfelt moment and then it's back to being the comedy relief and eye candy that he's there for.

Pictured: "Eye candy?"

I'm not going to lie to you I didn't find this movie even remotely interesting until about half-way through when the song and dance number with the Aborigines kicked in. That was pretty amazing.  All in all, I know that I'm probably not part of this movies target audience, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. I mean you really learn to feel for people when they have to wonder if walls are meant "to keep us in or to keep them out."

ALSO THIS:

4 out of 5 EXTREMELY TAINTED PING PONG BALLS

Whatever Wednesday: Flounder, Flounder, King of the Sea!

Marc and I were hanging out, when we were suddenly struck by an idea for a TV show. Imagine the old Flipper show but instead of an intelligent, bottle-nosed dolphin with a heart of gold saving the citizens of Florida, they had to rely on a brown, woefully ignorant, flat fish.  This show would be called Flounder. 

Flounder! Flounder! Faster than lightning!

Characters would die off one by one as Flounder simply burrowed deeper into the sand at their cries for help. "Quick, Flounder, Old Man Smithers is stuck in the fishing net!"   "Save us, Flounder! You've got to deactivate the depth charges!"  Flounder would be aware that something dangerous is happening and that he is loosely involved, but his understanding of these situations would never develop much further than that.  Eventually the citizens of Florida will come to hate Flounder, as their aquatic savior turns out to be an apathetic and emotionless failure. 

Movie Monday: Forbidden Zone

Once in a while, I'll come across a movie that just kind of screams weirdness like an alcoholic man who lives under a bridge trying on sweater vests in a Macy's in the middle of May.  Forbidden Zone is just such a movie.  The movie is directed by Danny Elfman's brother, Richard Elfman and pretty much stars a slew of Elfmans, Oingo Boingo associates, and random actors. There's even a character credited as Hyman Diamond who was literally just a real estate agent recruited to star in the film as long as he be credited anonymously. 

Also the midget from Fantasy Island.

But aside from the cast list, this musical "comedy", makes heavy use of crossdressing, blackface, toplessness, toilet humor, and just plain overall crudeness. It's not so much offensive as it is just plain strange. Imagine a minstrel show from Hell and blend it with Hello Dolly! and I think you'll have a pretty good image of Forbidden Zone. 

I mean, this is really not like anything else I've ever seen. It's pretty unique but I can't tell if I enjoyed it or if  I was just engaged by the novelty of it.  There's certainly something about seeing the Sub-John Williams Danny Elfman as Satan.

The creator of the Simpson's Theme.

The story is basically about how this family has this horrible dimension locked in their basement where King Fausto and all these freaks live. Anyway Frenchie ventures down there and the Queen wants to kill her because the King falls in love with her. It just gets weirder and weirder as you go  and even trying to explain the plot isn't really going to help matters any. 

Final word goes to Queen Doris in this video clip: 

I guess when it comes down to it I'll have to give it 3 out of 5 Witch's Eggs 

Film Friday: Antichrist (EXTREMELY NSFW)

Before we proceed, I'm just going to warn you, this is going to be extremely NSFW.  Get out while you can.


Moving right along. I've seen some allegedly disturbing films in my day. The Saw flicks, Serbian Film, Irreversible, I Spit on Your Grave, I mean the list quite frankly goes on and on even without me venturing into the ever delightful world of Asian cinema.

The ever elegant Snail Whore

But, many of these films are different from today's film in one particular way. They don't make you work for it.     Serbian Film  just sort of dishes out gratuitous absurdity and then tries to pass it off as social commentary.  Irreversible comes close but is nowhere near the level of disturbing that Antichrist reaches.  The Saw films are just mindless bloodfests.

Antichrist is different.  It opens with some tasteful full on penetration sex in black and white with some classical music playing in the background. Who cares if it's a porn star standing in for Willem Dafoe? I'm still going to think he's packing. Anyway, tragedy strikes and their child dies as the Green Goblin and his wife get intimate with each other.

She falls into a depression, he tries to treat her, they go on a retreat, yadda yadda yadda. They end up going on a retreat to this cabin in the woods where Mrs. Green Goblin wrote her thesis on the slaughter of women who were accused of being evil.

So as to be expected, weird crap starts happening. Mr. Dafoe comes across a self-disembowling fox which very matter of factly tells him that "Chaos Reigns"

The Lylat System be damned!

 Well after his encounter with the Fantastic Mr. Fox,  Mr. Dafoe's day just continues into a downward spiral of weirdness and misery. He encounters a doe giving birth to a dead fawn and a really aggressive crow.  But perhaps most disturbing is the fact that Mrs. Green Goblin, his own dear wife has gone absolutely bezonkers and decided to attack and torture him. I'll spare you most of the grisly details but I'll summarize with this: BLOOD-CUM. So yeah there's that.

I'm not going to spoil the ending for you but needless to say this movie is like a beautifully disturbing advent calendar, with just a little bit being revealed piece by piece as you go along.  It's a great movie and although tough to watch if you're not used to this kind of thing, it's one that can certainly be appreciated.

I give it 4 out of 5 Blood-cums

Whatever Wednesday: Mental Misfires-Volume 1

• You know I always say that I have a zombie contingency plan and I guess I do, but when it really comes down to it, if the zombies came my first instinct would just be to grab an improvised weapon and start killing zombies and then probably 2 hours later I'd go "Oh right, I had a plan for something like this."
• I wonder if the Dragonzord would even stand a chance against Godzilla? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lclmf3ipfiQ
• I used to think home shopping, the news, and cooking shows were the most boring things on television when I was a kid. Now I read the news on my phone almost every day and some of my favorite shows are cooking shows.... is home shopping in my future?
• As cool as I think it would be to have telepathy, I honestly think it would suck all the excitement out of life. 
• You know for it's body size, the barnacle has the longest penis in the animal kingdom.
• Sir Gawain and The Green Knight is a weird story...who agrees to get beheaded in a chapel? It just seems messy.
• If I ever have a cat, I'm naming it after one of the Swat Kats.

Movie Monday: Parasite

Sorry so late in posting this!

Parasite is a Sci-fi/horror film that was made in 1982. It's a movie filled with inexplicable lasers, breasts, and facebursting, but more on that later. The basic plot revolves around a dystopian future where a monstrous parasite has been created by a brilliant scientist (our protagonist) by the name of Paul Dean.

No Relation?

So anyway, Paul  created this parasite for controlling the population. But gee whiz, turns out a flesh eating monster parasite is actually an abomination against science and nature and everything else. WHO KNEW?! Well, the parasite gets unleashed and of course starts infecting people and bursting out of their bodies in horrifically gruesome fashion. Paul Dean manages to meet up with a young Demi Moore in her very first movie role.

The Pre-Ashton Years

So anyway, the movie just kind of goes... and goes...until suddenly it's over and you're left wondering...did I just watch a movie? I mean Parasite has stuff going for it and it's a pretty neat movie but all in all it's nothing more than MST3K quality schlock.  Weak acting and a lack of action killed this movie for me. I mean this movie has a lot of potential but most of it is wasted on stupid dialogue and shots of the protagonist doubled over in pain. 

Before I give you the final score: here's one of the few redeeming scenes of the movie:

Final Score:

2 out of 5 Facebursters

Film Friday: Paris, Texas

Before I start with the review I'd like to say that this week's review is a bit rushed because my film library was lost to me when my hard drive broke. So yeah, I made due with the few films I had available. Fortunately, I still had enough hard copies to do some reviews.

Onward...

This movie is weird. And I don't mean it's weird in the way that the content or the plot is weird I mean it's weird in that the film itself and the effect that it has on people is weird. Maybe it's the haunting slide guitar soundtrack by Ry Cooder. Maybe it's the wide, sprawling landscapes. Maybe it's the repeated use of the color red  and various other themes that give this movie an incredibly special quality that make it stick with you long after you watch it. This is the movie that inspired U2 on their album The Joshua Tree.  Kurt Cobain called it his favorite movie of all time. Plenty of bands, businesses, and other figures have taken inspiration from it. This movie will haunt you.

I remember my first time experiencing it was at a Wintersession class at LSU. Philosophy in Film. This was the only  film that I enjoyed. It tells the story of Travis, a man who has been lost to the world for the past four years and his return to civilization, his family, and his attempt to reconnect and rediscover what happened between him, his wife, and his son. The movie follows him as he returns with his brother to California and eventually back to Texas.  Although it drags in some parts and by all accounts should be the most boring movie ever made, somehow it comes across as a vivid, entertaining, emotional movie and the end of this movie is one of the most purely bittersweet moments in cinema that I have ever experienced in my life. 

All in all, Paris, Texas is the kind of movie that when the credits finally roll, leaves you thinking about life, about America, and about the choices that we make as we move through this world.

I'd say that makes it one of the greatest movies ever made.

I give it an absolutely solid 5 broken hard drives out of 5

Whatever Wednesday: Writer's Block

I don't have anything interesting to write about....so here's a pig in boots.

Better luck next time guys.

Movie Monday: Q: The Winged Serpent

Imagine it's 1982 and you're some big hot-shot movie studio executive when some director/writer comes in and pitches this movie to you:
"Ok, so it's modern day New York and we've got an ancient giant flying monster lizard, just flying around and killing the crap out of people, AND this crazy cult abducting people and chopping them up and skinning them alive, AND two badass police detectives played by Richard Roundtree (Shaft) and David Carradine (Kung Fu and later, Kill Bill). At the end of the movie, a bunch of police have a huge shoot out with the monster in the Chrysler building and it kills Shaft!"

Best movie ever right?

I don't know how many virgins were sacrificed, I don't know how many goats were slaughtered, but somehow, by some black magic, this movie manages to have so many awesome ingredients and still come out as complete and utter crap, not unlike the M&M taco I had one night when I was really hungry.

The monster is easily the best part of this movie, but we never see it for more than 60 second intervals. Carradine and Roundtree, who are supposed to be badasses are just kind of there, sleepwalking through their lines until the end or at least until Roundtree gets eaten.  The skinned corpses and the cult thing is pretty cool but it's like the movie sort of throws this in as a last second excuse for the monster. "Look at the cool flying monster...that's here because of this!"  It's really not that memorable of an experience.  The best acting in the movie comes from some guy named Michael Moriarty who plays this petty crook and even he starts to get pretty abrasive after a while.

This movie gets 1 big Winged Serpent Poop out of a possible five

Film Friday: Aguirre, The Wrath of God

There are lots of directors in the film industry. Some, like Tommy Wiseau, can leave lasting impressions on their audiences with their idiosyncrasies. Others like Lucas and Spielberg can weave beautiful stories that will create big Hollywood blockbusters.  Still others like Michael Bay, prefer to use lots of explosions.  However, there is one director in particular that I really like: Werner Herzog.  What endears Herzog to me are two things in particular, first,  his charming personality and wonderful intellect and second, Aguirre, The Wrath of God. 

Aguirre, The Wrath of God, is easily one of the best movies I have ever seen. It is a German film that tells the tale of Spanish conquistadors traveling through South America in search of the legendary city of El Dorado.  As they travel, one officer named Aguirre, played by the ever unstable actor Klaus Kinski, begins to stage a coup manipulating the others into staging a trial and letting greed drive them ever further into the wild and unforgiving rainforest.   Their quest is a hopeless one, but Aguirre is obsessed not with gold, rather with power and glory.  

Towards the end of the film Aguirre starts to become less like the Spanish conquistador he was in the beginning and a lot more like the American professional wrestler known as The Ultimate Warrior.

Exhibit A: In my final meeting with Gods from the heavens above , as they spoke to me with the power of the Ultimate Warrior and told me..." "Exit Stage Left , Exit Stage Right , there is no place to run , all the fuses in the exit signs have been burned out!"-Ultimate Warrior

Exhibit B: I am the great traitor. There must be no other. Anyone who even thinks about deserting this mission will be cut up into 198 pieces. Those pieces will be stamped on until what is left can be used only to paint walls. Whoever takes one grain of corn or one drop of water... more than his ration, will be locked up for 155 years. If I, Aguirre, want the birds to drop dead from the trees... then the birds will drop dead from the trees. I am the wrath of god. The earth I pass will see me and tremble. But whoever follows me and the river, will win untold riches. But whoever deserts...-Aguirre

All in all, there's a lot of random pan flute playing, a pretty cool soundtrack, and some fantastic performances. This movie really surprised me so I'm going to give it....

5 out of 5 pan flutes.