Movie Monday: Spawn of the Slithis

Greetings readers, let's chat. I hope you appreciate some of the garbage that I watch for you. Because sometimes I watch movies that I really enjoy, and that's alright I don't mind it one bit. But then there are times when I have to endure pieces of cinematic blasphemy like Spawn of the Slithis. I don't know if this movie is a joke or just the all around worst movie I've ever seen. It's so bad I might actually go back and give Q: The Winged Serpent an extra serpent shit  to bump it up to a 2 out of 5. 

Sorry, pal.

The plot of this kidney stone of a movie is as follows: some radioactive mud is created and is called "Slithis" and it evolves into a monster and starts eating dogs and people. A high school journalism teacher (our hero) runs a a vigilante investigation and take-down of the monster, because you know why educate youth when you could be out hunting cryptids?

Forever alone, indeed.

Here's the list of problems I have with this movie: 

1. The monster
1. disappears about halfway through the movie and is just MIA while we have to endure boring crap like turtle races and homeless people talking to news anchors.
2. is very corpulent
3. when it "eats" it makes the same noises I make when I eat crawfish (lots of sucking)
2. The protagonist
1. seriously, he's a high school journalism teacher...I'm not going to root for him.
2. The guy's a dick
3. He has no charisma
3. The Jamaican "sidekick"
1. the line "Yes, let's shake hands like you white people"
4. The police lieutenant 
1. dude, seriously you're acting in a really bad B movie, not the Globe's production of "King Lear" stop with the dramatics....

I'm giving this abomination 1 out of 5 cool turtles

Film Friday: Japanese Hell/Jigoku/Hell

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow? Yeah. Wow.



Ok so introductions first, this movie is actually called Hell but of course it is a Japanese film so it is referred to in the Western market as Japanese Hell.  Second of all, I first saw it in a three-movie value pack at a mega store, just to give you an idea of its quality.  Third of all, I watched this movie with no subtitles because my subtitle file was damaged, so the movie was especially ...um...strange? I think it would have been weird either way.

Basically the movie is one big PSA about being a good citizen and a moral person. The plot begins with a girl being taken into Japanese Hell which of course just looks like a big rave where everyone is strung out on acid and ecstasy and is walking around naked. Anyway, The girl is then almost raped, before taken to the Queen of Hell or something where she is shown the crimes of people on earth before these people are punished in Hell.

The first one they see is basically the Japanese version of Napoleon Dynamite but you know...a murderous pedophile. So he goes around being creepy and abducting little girls and what not until he ends up carved to pieces by horse demons and the like. Suddenly, Queen of Hell telekinetically has him pieced back together just so he can be carved up again for all eternity.

After that we get a long scene where we are witness to a good old fashioned cult complete with murder and rape. Anyway lots of cult rape and cult murder, and then the cult kills a subway station full of people.  

Back to Hell where the, Horse Demon and gang show up to lay the draconian smackdown on the cultists. 

Let me just summarize the next 30 minutes for you: Giant Pliers, Mud Wrestling, Lava Door, Hell Dragon, Topless Cannibalism, Topless Vomiting, etc..

Anyway, so the movie at this point has really started to go downhill for me when all of a sudden there is a flash of light and out of this brilliant beacon of hope walks none other than Samurai Jesus (I can't make this up). Look, I know he's Samurai Jesus because A. He's dressed like a samurai. B. The Demons don't like him and attack him on sight and C. He promptly kicks the everloving crap out of the demons before disappearing back into the white light from whence he came.

The movie then ends in the following sequence: sexualized dance number, moral message, TONS OF TOPLESS ASIAN CHICKS, credits.


Yeah I have no idea on this one gang. I don't think subtitles would have helped one bit.

2 out of 5 Hell Dragons

Movie Monday: Zardoz

Ladies and gentleman before I begin my review of Zardoz, I'd like to speak with you a moment about Sean Connery. Oops, forgive me, Sir Sean Connery. He was knighted after all.  Sir Sean Connery holds three Golden Globes and an Academy Award. He is, in many people's opinion, the best actor to portray James Bond. He was in Highlander and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade among many other amazing and respectable films.  He was voted "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1989 and in 1999 only 10 years later, he was proclaimed "Sexiest Man of the Century" . He was voted "Greatest Living Scot." There is a bronze sculpture of him in Estonia.  His film career spans over half a century.  Now ladies and gentlemen, pay attention because there's a dark secret to Sean Connery's illustrious career that you may not know about. I am referring of course to Zardoz. Yes, Zardoz, also known as "That Movie Where Sean Connery Runs Around With a Handlebar Mustache and a Red Diaper."

Only Zardoz is so much more than that. There's also a lot of exposed breasts and psychics. Confused? Good. Let me explain.

Zardoz takes place hundreds of years in the future where the world is basically inhabited by two kinds of people Brutals and Eternals. The Brutals live out in the wilderness and are hunted down by specific Brutals called Exterminators who worship a giant floating stone head called Zardoz that tells them: "The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was, but the gun shoots death, and purifies the Earth of the filth of Brutals. Go forth ... and kill!"

Anyway, Connery sneaks on board Zardoz and discovers the lie that is his God. He then stows away to the agriculturally and mentally advanced society of the Eternals where he is then taken in as a pet/experiment. Not long after the halfway point the movie kind of devolves into a flurry of pyschic warfare and sexual lust. So yeah...there's that.


Weird, nipple-filled, and confusing. That's the best way to sum up Zardoz. 


Um..2 out of 5 Tiny Zardozes

Film Friday: The Stuff

Well gang, here it is. The Stuff. I've had this movie on my list for a long time now and I've finally gathered the courage to watch it.  Let me just say right off the back, this movie is exactly one Grandpa Seth away from being Troll 2.

I'm not going to sugar coat it for you, folks, this movie is about ice cream fungus zombies.  Confused? Let me explain.  The premise is basically as follows: Some miners find this goop bubbling out of the ground and decided to eat it because their all Appalachian and hungry or something. Anyway, said goop tastes delicious and instantly becomes a nation-wide sensation, replacing ice cream and frozen yogurt as the number one frozen dessert. 

Well surprise, surprise, campers because it turns out you shouldn't eat goop that bubbles out of the ground. The Stuff is actually a living organism that controls those that eat it by eating them from the inside out and then turning them into it's own personal Gundam or w/e.

I'm know what you're thinking. By all intents and purposes this movie should be total crap. But guys and girls listen, there are some things in life that defy logic and much like life in Jurassic Park somehow The Stuff  "finds a way."

First of all, there's the ridiculously cheesy effects, the unpredictable nature of The Stuff, and of course, the karate-wielding ice cream mogul Chocolcate Chip Charlie.

Long story short, this movie is still incredibly cheesy but it has some awfully redeeming moments.


Still, Grandpa Seth would have been nice.


3 out of 5 goop-eating hillbillies

Movie Monday: The Wild Hunt

So, I've been meaning to watch this movie ever since hearing about it through this Penny Arcade strip a few weeks back and let me tell you, it was one ball-tingler of a cinematic experience. First of all if you aren't familiar with the concept of Live Action Role-Playing or LARPing, you're probably going to have a difficult time understanding this movie. The movie follows a group of LARPers as they act out a fantasy medieval battle, the main factions consist of knights, vikings, elves, and of course, the evil shamans that live in the forest. 

Not the most stable bunch of people.

Anyway, before this review I had only watched the first few minutes of this movie, so I was expecting a comedy about LARPing. Hilarious! I love movies that riff on nerds, being a nerd myself.  Well, boy howdy was I wrong. This movie got dark and got dark fast. Between the guy whose dad is senile and dying who has to chase his girlfriend after she lives him to run off to join his brother's LARP group, and the absolutely psychotic forest shamans, I found my smile fading fast about half-way through the movie. Then as we near the end of the movie shit gets real and it was time for me to start feeling horrified at this movie. Well as it turns out some people taking LARPing a little too seriously and when it doesn't go quite the way they want it to, they decide to just up and kidnap a bitch and start killing and raping people. Needless to say, tragedy ensues and you're left pretty upset about it until the last 2 minutes of the movie when justice finally gets served HARD.

Overall, for a low budget movie, I have to say this was pretty amazing and it definitely ranks among one of my new favorites.

I'm giving it  4 out of 5 Mjolnirs

Film Friday: Humongous

Much like Tommy Wiseau's masterful cinematic work The Room, Humongous also treats us to a sex scene about 5 minutes into the movie...however it's not so much a sex scene as much as it is a rape scene and it doesn't end with an unnecessary shot of Wiseau's ass as he walks to bathroom, it ends with a man getting torn to shreds by German Sheperds.  The movie only goes downhill from there. Which is kind of sad because it really could have been a good movie.

First of all, let me just say that judging strictly by the plot, I would have probably rated this movie pretty high. I mean, the idea that these teens get stranded on this island with a mutant murdering manchild is kind of brutally awesome. Also, awesome is how many horror movie stereotypes are present. Pretty much every character fits someone you've seen before.

So what kept this surprisingly well-thought out movie from getting a high rating?  Well let me show you what I was looking at for most of the film:

Only the slightest exaggeration

The lighting in this film IS THE WORST I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE. There were literally 10 minute periods when I was just squinting at shadows and shapes trying to discern what was happening. Damn it, this is the year 2011, I shouldn't be having to watch scrambled movies.


2 out of 5 Cuddly German Sheperds

Whatever Wednesday: Stuff I Could Have Written About...

I'm really tired so instead of doing a whole post on something I'll just tell you a few of the things I could have written about this week for Wednesday's post:

• James Van Der Beek's forehead and how it is constantly growing. (that's the reason they had to end Dawson's Creek)
• Pokemon (particularly how much I hate Chargestone Cave right now)
• Video game movies
• Baking
• Some depressing crap
• My new-found fondness for vests

Enjoy.