The FP

The movie up for review this time is one I've been excited about watching for some time: The FP.

From the bits and pieces I knew beforehand, I was able to gather that it was set in a post-apocalyptic society where people use Beat Beat Revolution(Dance Dance Revolution's copyright safe doppelganger) to settle turf wars. Which sounded totally awesome to me so at first I was like this:

"It's gonna be so good!"

Now that I've watched it however, I am like this:

"......"

So now that I've watched The FP let me fill you in on the details. It is in fact, post-apocalyptic. However, not traditionally so. Most post-apocalyptic movies leave us with a world that is brimming with elements of cyberpunk, steampunk, the Wild West, or something along those lines. The FP creates a post-apocalyptic world that reeks of white trash, peopleofwalmart.com, and just pretty much what you'd expect if something bad happened to the rest of the world and all that was left was about 96 people in a small town in New Jersey. 

The future!

The dance fighting is used to settle turf wars between gangs of young adults who live in almost clan-like gangs scattered through out the area, identified by the area code they represent. (248, 254, 143, etc.) the game chooses a song automatically and is constantly changing and introducing new elements. Omega Gangster Mode and Cage Match are two of its more eccentric settings. If a competitor is "187'd" he/she has collapsed and stayed down for more than 10 seconds, promptly ending the match. 

The plot follows JTRO, who looks like the bastard son of Snake Plissken and Derek Zoolander, as he seeks revenge for his brother BTRO who suffered a fatal 187 at the hands of rival gang leader L Dubba E. L Dubba E and his crew now control all of the FP and the flow of alcohol. Without alcohol flow, the local drunks have turned to drugs, quickly deteriorating the situation of the community. JTRO undergoes a Rocky-esque training under the tutelage of Beat Beat referee KCDC and the mysterious BLT in order to save the FP and defeat L Dubba E. 

Snake Zoolander

Also there's a love story. Not that impressive.

Damn, son.

All of JTRO's training lead's up to BLT teaching him the true meaning of the word "nigga" and why they call each other that. He tells him it has nothing to do with race but rather that it means: Never Ignorant, Getting Goals Accomplished.



I guess you'd like to know what I think of The FP....

Did I like this movie? Yes, absolutely. Would I recommend it? Not to the general public. Quite frankly I'm not sure how seriously the people making this movie were. So I would most likely recommend The FP only if you were in the mood to see something like nothing you've ever seen before, and I suppose there's something to be appreciated in that. 

4 out of 5 Dance Arrows 

"Iron Sky" (A movie about Moon Nazis)

You know there was a time in my life where I thought Asia produced the strangest and most interesting movies in the world. I now know that I was wrong. Asia will always be a close second to Scandinavia when it comes to weird-ass films.

Enter Iron Sky, a movie about Nazis from the dark side of the moon.

Basically.

Yeah, I'll give that one a few moments to sink in....maybe go get a sandwich.
*footsteps*
*clutter*
........
........
*footsteps*
Ok, recovered enough? Good, because this is going to be interesting.

Iron Sky is built around the premise that at the end of World War II, the Nazis took a spaceship to the dark side of the moon where they have been building up their strength ever since. Now, they are on the verge of invading Earth to bring in a new era of peace/war. (they haven't really decided yet)

Space Swastika

If this sounds like a shitty movie, you'd be surprised, it's actually pretty good.  They even manage to reference the angry Hitler Youtube meme. Among the other highlights are a black man being dyed white, a giant space zeppelin, a Sarah Palin doppelganger for the POTUS, and my personal favorite, the UN scene where North Korea tries to take credit for the invading spaceships and everyone just laughs at them.

Yeah, he used to be black(er).

Basically it all leads to a massive space battle with the nations of the world kicking ass with their respective illegally militarized satellites.

See? 

Ultimately, the ending left me wondering, is Iron Sky really just a social commentary film about how greed and moral ambiguity has corrupted the world's leaders? Possibly, but more than likely it's just a really fun film to watch. Bonus points for using the actual dark side of the moon and actual lead zeppelins in two big references to classic rock I've ever seen.

3.5 out 5 Moon Nazis

And we're back.

Dear readers, 

I apologize. I apologize for being a little bitch. I apologize for failing you. I apologize for failing cinema. I apologize for failing this blog and for most of all failing myself. The point is I'm back and I'm ready to start reviewing weird shit again.

So here's the deal with this blog from now on...

Due to my increasingly demanding social life and work schedule, I am finding less and less time to sit at home alone watching strange movies. I'm going to keep this blog going, but it will no longer be twice a week. It'll just be once a week...on whatever day I want.

Keep it classy,

Grant.

Film Friday: Zebraman

In the history of superheroes, there are many contenders for "greatest hero of all time." Superman naturally comes to mind, but alas, no-one likes him because he is far too much of a boy scout to ever be considered "cool".  Batman is dark and brooding but his central pain stems from the death of his parents when in reality that's not very unique considering that Superman's entire planet and race is dead and Spiderman's uncle is dead and he ended up killing Mary Jane with radioactive semen (look it up).  We could go through all the X-Men, Avengers, Justice League, whatever... The fact of the matter is this: there is only one superhero who fits the title of best superhero ever.  That superhero is Zebraman.

Takashi Miike decided to take a break from making nightmare fuel and make something a little more family friendly. So he made a superhero movie about a nerdy schoolteacher who obsesses over a television show that he used to watch as a child. The show followed the adventures of Zebraman, defender of the earth and champion of good.  Zebraman was awesome because he had a kick-ass theme song and a motorcycle. So our beloved schoolteacher is still obsessed with him all these years later so much so that he designs his own Zebraman costume and plays Zebraman in his room! What fun!

One night after mustering up enough courage to venture out into the night in his Zebraman costume (he was going to show it to one of his students/fellow Zebraman fans), our teacher runs into a man with a crab mask on his head! Oh the horror! Crab-mask is about to rape a bitch, but teacher/Zebraman bravely whispers for him to stop.  Crab-mask then starts to attack, but wonder of wonders, suddenly....TEACHER HAS ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING POWERS OF ZEBRAMAN!

It is at this point in the movie where Zebraman becomes a contender for greatest movie of all time, because Zebraman just proceeds to sufficiently beat the crap out of Crab-mask and every other subsequent bad guy that he comes across. The costume begins improving and eventually Zebraman must rely on all of his powers to protect Japan from an alien invasion, which was foretold in the original television series which turned out to be a prophecy....yep.

The best part of Zebraman is pretty much a toss-up between his powers and his theme song. His powers are fueled by his belief in himself and comprise of the following, Zebra Back Kick, Zebra Screw Punch, Zebra Bomber, Flight, Super Strength, Zebra Sense, transformation into a Zebra Pegasus that can fire lasers, etc...

The Zebraman theme song is catchy as all hell and will get stuck in your head even if the words are mostly just "Zebraman" repeated.

Worth noting: this movie is great because unlike other superheroes, people look at Zebraman and instead of saying "Oh thank God, a superhero.", they give him a look like "What's with the costume buddy?"

Also, did I mention he has catchphrases? Zebraman has catchphrases:

• "Turn on the Black and White"
• "I'm not going to let you keep me down."
• "Don't stand behind me" *kick*
• "Black and White Ecstasy! Zebraman!"

I don't know what else to tell you...go watch this movie. Do it. Do it now.



Then go watch the crazy sequel Zebraman 2: Attack on Zebra City


5 out of 5 Zebras

Movie Monday: Attack of the Super Monsters

Usually, I can watch a movie and tell immediately after watching it whether or not it was a good movie. This is not the case with Attack of The Super Monsters. I am literally in a state of confusion. I cannot decide whether this is the biggest steaming pile of crap that I have ever had the misfortune of watching or if it is simply genius. Truth be told I did get a certain Wiseau-esque sick thrill from watching this "film", but seriously...I mean...it's just awful.

If you took one part Thunderbirds, one part the absolute worst Godzilla movie you've ever seen, and one part Voltron, you'd get Attack of The Super Monsters. Still not getting it? Let me break it down a little further for you:

Dinosaurs have escaped from their subterranean lair where they've been hiding out for the past 65 million years under the leadership of their evil lord Emperor Tyrannus. The dinosaurs have grown in size and intelligence to the point where they can speak our language. Emperor Tyrannus has decided to take over the Earth and destroy all humans.  Fortunately, a specially trained team known as Gemini is there to stop him. Gemini consists of two siblings and two completely worthless people. The two siblings are part cyborg and in times of extreme need can fuse their bodies together to call on the hermaphroditic power of Gemini for about 3 and a half minutes.

Throughout this "movie", Gemini manages to defeat every monster that Tyrannus sends up to the surface and then the movie just sort of ends leaving us to wonder whatever happened to Tyrannus himself.

Also, the movie can't seem to make up it's mind if it wants to use claymation, rubber suits, models, or animation. All of these are used throughout the feature and some are used simultaneously.


Again, I'm not sure if this is the greatest thing in the world or the worst thing....I'll just give it a very confused look out of 5

Film Friday: Hardware

Sorry about the unannounced hiatus from the blog. I've just been very busy lately and between work, parties, and personal life, I haven't had much time for anything else.


Enough apologies, back to business.

Hardware is a film from 1990 that is unremarkable in the sense that it is yet another post-apocalyptic science fiction film.  HOWEVER, it is remarkable in that it is one of the most beautiful, creative, and unique films I have ever seen. Imagine a very artistically sound cyberpunk version of Tank Girl meets Virus. 

Set in a dystopic future where the government has banned all forms of procreation and nuclear fallout is prevalent, the film tells the story of soldier Moses who has purchased scrap robot parts from a nomadic wanderer as a gift for his girlfriend. Moses' girlfriend proceeds to weld the head of the robot to a large metallic sculpture that she has been working on and then they have a lot of hot steamy sex while the neighbor across the way watches. 

The movie gets interesting when it turns out the robot is really an unstoppable government killing machine known as the M.A.R.K. 13, named after the bible verse that states "no flesh shall be spared".   It can repair itself, it can adapt, it can kill you in about a million different ways. Needless to say, this thing kills the crap out of people after it repairs itself with the metal sculpture that it was welded to.

This movie is great. It's beautifully shot, has amazing cameos from Lemmy and Iggy Pop, a great soundtrack, and decent acting. I'm not sure why this movie managed to stay so far under the radar but it has and that's a damn shame.

4 out of 5 mushroom clouds