So last night amidst much merrymaking, some friends and I decided to watch this movie Cronos. Now I had seen the cover to this movie while browsing the Criterion Collection section at Barnes and Noble but it looked pretty boring so I never bothered to pick it up.
Anywho, so they explained the plot to me as "Oh, this alchemist invents this device to give him immortality and some bad guys are after it." I don't know I was kind of buzzed but whatever that sounded cool. So I was like "Alright, neat sort of a mix between 'Highlander' and 'Quest of the Delta Knights'." At this point I was ready to enjoy some good old historical fantasy with just a hint of sci-fi. But then....something went horribly wrong.
SPOILER ALERT:
SPOILER ALERT:
Well first of all the alchemist dies 5 minutes into the film and we skip to modern day where the device is found by an old antiques dealer named Jesus. Also it turns out it's a half-assed vampire movie. And I say half-assed because it doesn't really quite decide if it wants to go full on with the vampire thing. On the one hand, Jesus will be avoiding sunlight and coming back from the dead and lapping up blood off a bathroom floor with less shame than Tila Tequila.
He's licking every other bathroom floor that floor has been with.
But on the other hand, it's a story about a grandfather and his granddaughter trying to outwit the bad guys. It's a story about a quest for eternal youth. It's a movie with Ron Perlman in it. The vampire thing is there but for some reason it never really feels like the main focus of the movie.
Overall, "Cronos" is a pretty good film, although it certainly wasn't what I was expecting nor is it something I would normally be interested in. It's not that Cronos is a bad movie, it's just I don't like vamprism in my movies unless it's done just right. Vampires should be either kicking ass without equal as in the first and only acceptable "Blade" movie, being incredibly cheesy and sexually creepy as in the original "Fright Night", or completely likable as in "Let the Right One In." It's not that I didn't find this movie appealing in any way, it's just that "Cronos" keeps giving me the feeling of a really dressed up version of a much crappier movie. I can appreciate its value and that it was willing to take a new concept and go with it, but it can best be summed up with a quote from another more entertaining vampire film:
I'm going to give "Cronos" 3 Ron Perlmans out of a possible 5.
Overall, "Cronos" is a pretty good film, although it certainly wasn't what I was expecting nor is it something I would normally be interested in. It's not that Cronos is a bad movie, it's just I don't like vamprism in my movies unless it's done just right. Vampires should be either kicking ass without equal as in the first and only acceptable "Blade" movie, being incredibly cheesy and sexually creepy as in the original "Fright Night", or completely likable as in "Let the Right One In." It's not that I didn't find this movie appealing in any way, it's just that "Cronos" keeps giving me the feeling of a really dressed up version of a much crappier movie. I can appreciate its value and that it was willing to take a new concept and go with it, but it can best be summed up with a quote from another more entertaining vampire film:
I'm going to give "Cronos" 3 Ron Perlmans out of a possible 5.
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